So today, I tried to move mountains to simply get my family to respond to me, yet again. Yup and I still haven't learnt my lesson.. How to not care for people? I don't know. I don't understand.....

the pain of being alone.

Its the kind that eats away at your insides(I finally know the real feeling of this phrase), it's gnawing and gnawing away in the region of my chest, the slow, painful dull ache that won't go away no matter how much I feed it. And feed it I do, I eat and eat till physical pain takes over.

I've been trying every means, and no one, not even my family accepts my true self. Or even understands me for that matter.

True, only i know too well how many faces I can have, I am so damn adept at laughing, smiling and being that sunny, careless and bright person, it consumes energy, which is why I eat too, to replenish that hole it makes. And thus, because of these facades I had to keep up, it did once all collapse on me and i lost myself in the rubble. so badly.

 But right now i have found the path again, I feel alive inside, and will hang on to it for dear life, and it looks like treading down this alone is the only way I can keep walking..

 I really feel so out of place, I can understand what people are thinking, and I honestly don't ever think negatively of anyone, we are all the same afterall, but somehow they want me to change to be one of them, a friend I met yesterday, asked me to change into them, he told me i am selfish, for wanting people to accept me when I am different, noone will understand me ever. (I seem to be the only one I ever know, who wants to have absolutely nothing to do with technology and the internet whatsoever.)

You want me to become desensitized, commercialised,

I am sorry, that I cannot do. 

I am already fighting it everyday, and I have this huge store of cognitive dissonance you'd drown in. To give in, to let it go and be swept away by the tide will really mean my death.