Reminder to self: trust only your own eyes, use your own judgement.  Remember it is the means to your end.
... I really am forgetful. And there are a myraid of pros and cons to that.
However, the good thing is I will always be able to remind my future self of the good, and bury the bad in the hope it will never resurface again.
And most of the time it doesnt, for instance, i no longer feel the pain of the words once spoken to me, sure, I still remember everything else, the situation it was spoken in, every single object nearby, the sound and taste of the food I was eating then, the look on that dear person's face, remember sensing the undercurrent of thoughts that led it to be uttered.. everything, down to the most minute detail, but I can no longer feel the pain that haunted me for months after that, it has become nothing but a memory.
And hopefully, even that will disappear.
I always dont know where to draw a line how much I let anyone in, and affect me they do, a million daggers with a simple look or word uttered they can throw my way.

Yup, and I will disappear for ages, to heal and retreive everything I am, and finally the pieces are coming back together
I remember now, so much of what I was it brought me to tears,
I went to a bookstore, and looking at the sight of children sitting hidden in between the rows and rows of books,  each holding a book with a hungry look in their eyes, devouring the pages word by word. That was what I was. And can you start to imagine, how it feels like to be lost for more than a year, stumbling through the thicket and thorns that were poisoning, slashing away at you as you try to make your way forward, and starting to see the dawn, the gradual brightening of the day till it illimunates just enough that you can see the smoke coming from the chimney of your long lost house, and finally finding a direction, it dawns upon you that at least,  at least you were going through this for something, something you long forgot and finally found a direction to head towards.. at least I'm looking in the right direction, all of these hadnt been for nothing.
Can you imagine this relief I feel, I wanted to dance for me, I have picked up a piece and managed to reassemble it.. i forgot how I loved me, and finally see how much damage I have done to myself.
But now I am tired, so weary, I want to rest, and yet these thorns will not stop growing back, and there is still a long ways to go,
I am just wondering if I will find the strength to get there.
Yesterday, I found myself faced with so many tasks,  all which stemmed from(may I praise myself a little here ) my hard work. I experienced a moment of defeat. The thorns seem to be growing back faster than I can cut them down, that is when I received a helping hand from my cousin, who simply nuged me a little in the right direction, and I managed to get moving again, to a slow crawl.
I know I no longer have the strength to run. I only pray for the will to get me back home now.

Okay finally I am done parking my thoughts.
There are a million more but I may end up typing an entire novel no kidding..

One thing I am really glad is, all my actions in the past, they have turned into my strength, and the darkness, all on the brink of death, only served to make me realize (at 21yo,really not bad lena) and see, the brightest light of day and feel the most alive I can.
I can even feel the earth spinning.  Maybe my imagination, but who really knows? Did you know, that the earth is spinning at 10000miles/hr at its axis?

I think what caused me to come here and unload all tbese is because of the cheer performance today, as usual a huge whirlpool of emotions and feelings associated with a simple thought towards that direction.
And the guilt stood out this time, I supoosedly have a huge tendency of writing here when I feel overwhelmed and remember this outlet. (90% of the time I dont-explains the lack of posts)
I dont know if its an excuse anymore, I have gone two months strong, and one last one before I am finally free, this is more than I can ever ask for in the past. I dredged up enough of my will to actually change myself for the better. And now it is at a very very low point, I am so afriad if I go back, it may take no more than a single training for me to go back to the darkness.
Wtf. But I have let down so many people, all my friends and how should I deserve to just waltz in when I did an mh370 on them for so long? I only hope they will accept me again.
One more month.
I will be strong.