That's the reason(excuse) I always give myself, am i ready?
but not unfounded, that for sure, for I have been bitten and came close to drowning so many times,
I was naive and knew nothing, jumped right in the deep end all the time, and lost myself each and everytime,
But now that rest time is over, I have so many things to do, I can finally see again, that veil has lifted. Yet I am still hesitating, I've become inherently reluctant to go back there again.. (wow just a general sentence covers the entire span of my thoughts, i like.)

I'll start putting my foot forward towards new horizons, but I now i realize its time to decide what to do with my unbearably heavy baggage. Can I let go, just like that? What is in there that I haven't said goodbye to? i truly don't know..

You know what you need, lena?
Friendly competition.
I used to live off it and now I've thrown all civilization away, I forgot this lifeline of mine.
well..
should I wait for awhile more?? My physical body isn't waiting though..
I'm srsly insecure and for obvious reasons, I'm not happy with my physique right now.
 Nope this is not another 'I am fat because society tells me so'
I've been telling society 'fuck off' in earnest since i dont know how long ago, and spent countless months and killed millions of brain cells rediscovering who I am, and want to be. So, yes, I still know I got some work to do, and I decided that On My Own.

I talked to a friend yesterday, and I told them I always over think, and I'm not kidding, my train of thoughts are so well oiled(by food i guess) it speeds along like a bullet train all the time, thus I hate it when I have nothing to distract me at work, my brain would go wild and run 3-4 times the length of the equator. So is it a surprise that I got everything figured out? Y'know what, I even managed to delve into philosophy on my own, I came up with a few thoughts of my own, even before i read about them in wiki, and boy am i surprised people from xxx B.C had come to the same thoughts and conclusions as me.. Believe me, that was how far I went.. of course its all in my head, so what purpose is that gonna serve i really dont know.

 Also what use is thinking and getting the answer when i forgot the question in the first place?
Sounds funny, but I am now looking for the question. and once that is done, the sorting, I truly hope I will settle down. I've even planned me some 'dumb lena down' avenues, in the hope i will revert back to that 16 year old mentality, of pure, simple and secure happiness.
but will I be truly happy then? Looks like I still have a ways to go..

...lalala as always I planned to write a few sentences but torrent of words spilled out just like that. :X