I have to.
I have to turn you into a monster to my eyes.

I have to program it in me that your voice has turned into a voice of deception and lies, that there is a nasty motive behind every single word you utter, that you simply wish to manipulate and bend my will for your entertainment.

I have to make myself view everything you do as a threat to me and my sanity, that it is done on purpose to mess with my head even more, and that you are just having fun killing people from the inside, watching them die slowly.

I need to feel disgusted at the sight of you and your smile, I have to see you wrapped in the nasty things you did to me, and that behind your smile hides a devil, cunning and evil, so i will never believe you ever again.

I have to imagine that you are having fun messing up your own life and dragging others along for the ride, hurting everyone that comes in contact with you. You need constant stimulation and you are never sated for long, always looking for more.

I'm gonna turn you into a monster, to save myself.
To never believe you again, so you will never be able to hurt me anymore.
To put and end to my tears and the many sleepless nights.
To let go with no regrets and never look back.
To be able to finally turn and walk away from you.

You hurt me, so badly, i'm traumatized. Our deadly dance has been repeated too many times, and I am gradually left with nothing now. I'm truly afraid, because every touch still has the ability to shatter me anew, breaking me down again when i thought i couldn't possibly hurt any more. You don't know that. and you don't care anyway.  I'm shying away, because you didn't change one bit.

So thanks to you, I have to face emptiness on my own again.
Thanks to you, monster.