I can barely remember it- your face.
That one I once held dear, and so close to me in hope he would look at me eventually, finally.
I can’t remember your voice, the one I have heard for so many years, way more than any sound I’ve heard， that one I paid my full, loving, trusting attention to.
I can’t remember your touch, how your body moves. The way it feels to hug you, smell you or hold your hand. I can’t remember at all anymore.
It hurts. I want to remember, that’s where my love, trust and hopes were, for so long, for so much pain. I got nothing left.
I don’t even remember how you call my name anymore.
I tried to remember. But my heart breaks again and again. Knowing you’re already far gone, and knowing I was the one who pushed you away, this last, final, time.
Everything you did, was unforgivable. But I mourn the loss of what it could have been. All the promises (lies) and actions that seemed like you loved me. You really didn’t. But it hurts all the same.
I tried, I tried to recall your face. I couldn’t. I couldn’t find the right shade, I couldn’t find the right eyes, those wrinkles when you smile, or even the hair that falls on the side of your face. I couldn’t find the nose that stuck out so much, so proudly. I couldn’t find the small face, the chin that was so small I run my hands along the stubble in the mornings.
You’re gone. You’re really gone.
I find myself searching, for any piece of you I might have still been able to preserve. But it’s all disappeared. The things you gave me, I wouldn’t even look at them. I can’t. Your social media, I haven’t unblocked nor peeked at for months.
Why did I ever have to say goodbye to someone I really wanted to love, someone I gave me all to? It’s a torture I can’t rationalize. Why did I have to force myself from all contact and erase you from my life so completely? You were once everything. Is that why you scrambled to find someone to replace me, to fill that gaping, wide hole that hurts like we’ve never felt before? I tried to heal it, it is so crazily difficult. I have toiled for months. I have spoken to myself so many times. Held myself back so many times.
Why would you ever have to make someone put themselves into this excruciatingly painful postition.. I can’t imagine the horror everyone had to go through, but I’m sharing it with them now. How is it you still never learn..
Now, I forget you. Time did its trick, erased your Image from my memory, buried it in the depths of my mind.
Now the next thing to forget, is how much I love you. To kill all the love I had for you. To stop this grieving, this mourning, this sobbing.
it’s going to be a tougher battle ahead.
10/4 11am