I allocate a portion of my time everyday, to grieve. I look forward to it, I can wallow in sadness unashamedly. I can release the bottled, pent up feelings that had me filled up and suffocated for so many years.
I can do it day by day, and I will do that because, because it was once beautiful, once all my everything, and my hard work, blood sweat and tears.
So I grieve, so I cry, so I let myself crave and let myself die. I have wisened up, I know this is merely a process, and there is no need to think about going back to you in the meantime.
I have gone so far, you aren't allowed to distrupt my progress, no matter how much I want you to. No matter how much I wish to pick up your call, or no matter how much I want your concern, however real.
No matter how much I wish to see you face, feel your love again. No matter how much I miss being with you, and having you as my world. No matter how painful it is, how homesick I am, I have to force myself to know better now.
All the tears you have forbid me to shed all these years, all the hidden feelings I kept pent up because I wasn't allowed to show it. I am letting them out, a few teardrops everyday, savouring the last of our relationship. Making sure I remember every good thing, every bad thing, making sure I remember every bit of you that I loved, going through all the words we said, before I forget.
Because one day I will.
I let my heart ache as much as it wants, in that allocated time. It is then, I can allow myself to cry for what one was, for the you that I lost.
Because one day, I will forget it all. Time will wash away your smell, my ears will stop recognising your voice, your words will fade from my memory, my skin will forget your touch, my feet will forget your pace, and my heart will forget to ache for you.
I cry, becasue I fear that day. I fear losing you, again.
That's why I hold on, to everything I have left even though it feels like knives and needles through me.
but I have to let go eventually, you're gone. I pushed you away, I refused to let you come back, do you know how difficult, how impossible and how many tries it took for me to do that?

Now I am in the void, now I am stubbornly waiting. knowing full well, you are far, far away.
knowing full well if you came back, I have to push you away. I am holding on, to nothing. and I let that hurt me again.
How is it, that I grieve, to hold on. I grieve, till hopefully one day, I will not feel these feelings anymore. I won't have any pain, all my feelings I kept within myself these years, will finally be out of me.