I saw me, another me, walking down the same path. I saw the horizon, I saw the cliff. And I yelled. Please.
She turned, and gave me a smile, a little nod of her head, thank you, turned her back, and continued walking.
Please stop. My heart hurt to the point I felt like puking. Did I still believe? I did. Believe in what? That there are no monsters in this world? That I could convince myself to wake up? Or that there was love somewhere?
Save yourself.
I needed to scream. I couldn’t do it loud enough for me to hear. My tears, I shed them anew, this time, after so long, after all my efforts, I allowed my heart to tear open again. It’s different now. I feel everything, and this time I allowed myself to feel it.
Because I needed to face her.
Face me.
Face everything that happened in the past and future, watch a movie that is playing concurrently in the past and present.
Touch a life that I ran with for years, and is running on scriptedly without me.
Feel both the pain that I have been through and is going to come.
Live as a phantom beside myself, whilst I, live beside someone who had become my phantom.
I opened myself up again for those knives to pierce through me anew.
Hope. When used as a weapon, wielded as leverage, can be more lethal than anything else.
I can’t watch it, this upcoming play. But I already have long ago. I can’t forget it, even though it hasn’t even happened.

........
Maybe I was thinking, would things have changed, for myself then.
I was alone. I didn’t have a me. Not like the me now.
Now that I have a me, would I have turned back. Would I have stopped my heart from being ripped from my chest, a few months, few years down the road. Maybe I was hoping, that I could have saved myself.
And it’s that hope that kills me now.
I have to watch it all over again. I’m crying for me.