You'd think it'll be ok- after so long.
You'd think it gets better- after it fades into the background.
You'd think the feelings would be gone- after the entire thing had already years elapsed.
You'd think maybe, everything would be okay now, after the bad moments are long over.

But I can tell you, that was what I thought, and that was what I worked hard towards.

But this is what I feel.
When I am alone, it comes back, in any small reminder that I am not good enough. It comes back. When I have a little too much rest and a little too much time by myself. It comes back. When I see an image of the other main actor in that drama that finished its last episode years ago, I look at her. It comes back surging through me anew.
It comes back, in bits and pieces forming a whole.
The guilt nags at me, and gradually pulls me towards the current that had always drowned me. I fight it, but it wins surely, eventually. It accumulates in the back of my mind and there is nothing I can do to stop it from tipping over. The feelings that had become dormant in me, that I was sure they have almost finally disappeared, erupts in a frenzy, all over again.
It tears through my heart like it did hundreds of times prior, with the same ferocity. Inciting the same pain, bringing forth the same tears, the same heartache and the same frustration. The same harrowing nightmares.
Why? and how?
Am I not letting go?
Or have I not healed yet? How will I?
I would tell you if I could. I know that I should.
How can I?
But I couldn't tell you if I have. And I never know when I will.

It is okay. It will be okay. It might be okay, I don't know. But the repercussions - these hardened neurological pathways, the conditioning and manipulations. I am learning they will take much longer to recover from. But yes, I am getting undeniably better.

Humans, perhaps we will always be creatures of habit. Trapped in our minds, how can we ever fully understand how it works?